About Us
Botarz is a custom t-shirt and screen printing business belonging to “Botar”… hence the name.
About Botar
The nickname is pronounced "Bo-tar"... just because. It was a college nickname given to me in my time at the US Coast Guard Academy. Why? Because I was from sourthern Missouri going to school in New England... it was the most backwards, redneck thing they could come up with (Thank you Johnny Santoro) and being the highly intellectual being that I am, I kept it.
I was born and raised in southern Missouri, so I have a keen fashion sense and a strange attraction for farm animals. I was educated (or they attempted at least) in New England where I developed the burning desire to return to the midwest. Now I live in Kansas... and I've been wondering why for years. My family is spread out across the western half of the US and I'm pretty much a man without a home... but not a homeless man.
I eat at McDonalds, shop at Wal-mart, and believe parents should raise their children, not be their buddies. I look like a "liberal" (yes, it is a stereotype), think like a "conservative" (how I believe a conservative SHOULD think anyway), but believe both parties have completely lost their minds. I ride a Harley and drive a minivan. I'm a man, but don't really give a rat's ass about professional sports (excluding the UFC), drinking beer, or chasing tail… because I caught one already. I spent 17 years as a law enforcement officer and am a strong supporter of marijuana legalization laws... just a bit of a different perspective than your average stoner. I love to laugh and have a charming personality (I have a future as a Wal-mart greeter), or so I‘ve been told by those whose attitudes are even worse than mine. I believe in common courtesy and common sense, but realize that neither are "common". I'm one of the kindest, nicest guys you'll ever meet, but I will absolutely rip your head off and hand it to you in a basket if you push me far enough... I have references.
If I don't like a book, I don't read it. If I don't like a TV show, I turn it off. If I don't like a rock group, I don't buy their CD. I'm completely against others trying to ban, regulate, or control what is out there... mind your own business and get a hobby... might I suggest keeping tarantulas?
I bathe daily, am self-employed, and don't live with my parents... they won't let me. I am also capable of cooking my own meals, washing my own clothes, and using a vacuum cleaner twice a year... whether it is needed or not.
The Company
Botarz is a spin-off company of Botar by Eights, the breeding and sales of invertebrate pets via the internet and trade shows across the US. In 2008 Botar sold Botar by Eights (not the rights to the company name) to Ken the Bug Guy in California. So, if you are seeking tarantulas, scorpions, centipedes, or other invertebrate pets, contact Ken the Bug Guy… you should be able to find him on the net.
While operating Botar by Eights, I decided to have some shirts made to promote the business. I enjoyed the process of creating the slogans so much, entering the funny and offensive t-shirt business was a natural choice and Botarz Custom T-shirts was born. Coming up with a name for the company was the hardest part, but somehow I managed.
With the concept in place, I needed to get moving. So I bought a Harley. It only makes sense to those who ride. I do my best thinking while riding or mowing and let’s face it, mowing just isn’t as much fun.
Next I needed to staff the new business. Luckily I had already done some preplanning and fathered my first employee some-teen years ago. I like to refer to her as “Assquatch”. She says it is her “skater” name for when she is old enough to skate in the roller derby. I know it’s because she was born with a thick layer of hair on her back… gave me nightmares, but luckily it fell out after a couple of weeks. Assquatch is in charge of being a pain in my ass and any duties I can force upon her by threatening to ground her until she is 35.
Many of the original designs were just short, caustic sayings or slogans I had been saying for years. Others came from friends or listening to passers-by while unconscious in a pool of my own vomit. Okay, that only happened once and I apologized to both the bride and groom, paid to have her mother’s Persian rug cleaned, and even gave the old rag a “Bitch T-shirt“. What more could I do?
Custom work can always be done here at Botarz, so if you have custom work you’d like done or just something you think I’d be dumb enough to put on a shirt, send me an email and let me know. I’m always up for suggestions.Wanted: Stoner Chick as Live-in Employee
Where are all the cool hippie girls out there? I would drive to Lawrence, park my fine ass in a park, playing my ukulele, eating tofu jerky, waving a clear baggy of catnip tied to a stick and spend a day trying to lure a cool stoner chick to join me on my blanket of love… but I have my own business and can’t afford that luxury. So where do I find one of you earthenware sisters?
I’m tired of shmuckety-schmuck yuppies with plastic boobs, plastic faces, and their daddy’s plastic still in their wallet. Frankly, their cars are usually a better ride than they are. That, and they’re notoriously unstable, unhappy, and too consumed with being their child’s playmate to have any fun themselves... unless drinking beer in the neighbor’s driveway talking about your kids is considered fun. If it is, just shoot me now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m cool with hanging with the neighbors on occasions, but a little something out of the box would be cool too. I’m not looking for a three-some with your old college roommate, just something a little off-beat. Something that isn’t the usual conversation piece while waiting in the loading zone at the elementary school with the hoards of other bleached out anorexics driving the mechanized division of the minivan army. Before any of you peg me as some kind of bitter, self-pitying asshole whose mommy didn’t breast feed him and so he’s doomed to chase mental giants in need of rescue, former cheerleaders, and women whose IQ is eclipsed by their bra size because he feels unworthy of a real woman’s love, just know that I do not engage in self-pity, ever, because I have a great life full of entertaining stories and I’m able to laugh at my own predicaments in the here and now as opposed to waiting five years and laughing about it after a bottle of white Zin and a couple of ludes. I realize I have it better than 99% of the world’s population just because I’m able to see things for what they are... which means most problems are of very little importance in the grand scheme of things. I’m just picking on a certain segment of the population that I have had extensive personal experience with and, by and large, gets overlooked in terms of ridicule.
In my quest for the "right" girlfriend, (right for me, right for right now, whatever) I have dated various types, from the poor stay-at-home-newly divorced moms, to the self-absorbed models, to business-suit types, to the intellectual liberals who sit around drinking Starbucks coffees that I can’t even spell whilst complaining about corporate America... last time I checked, Starbucks is being traded on the market just like Wal-mart. They all failed, though not always miserably. Yet, being the eternal optimist, I am on to the next type and, fingers crossed, we will hit the mark for a good time. At least I think I’d know what to expect with a cool stoner chick.(though surprises are nice) I’m thinking… MELLOW TIMES. I like to laugh. Although I’m perfectly at home laughing alone... as I’ve learned to do in past relationships... it is nice to have someone with whom to laugh.
Here are my revised criteria for the next girlfriend:
You must be either a) an unemployed flower child (if you aren’t familiar with at least two Grateful Dead songs, then you’re obviously not up to par) b) a trust fund baby with real, intended if not realized, artistic goals c) a fire twirler (inspired by a viable candidate whether or not she meets any other criteria) or d) employed at some video rental store, the atmosphere of which leads you to gripe about the "establishment" and the political agenda of your Nazi supervisor... which if you think about it, is kind of funny on its own... it’s a VIDEO STORE for Christ’s sake.
You must have long hair, unpainted nails, and a nice ass. Bonus points if you smell like patchouli. You should dress in soft cargo shorts and thrift store shirts, own no socks, not enough sandals, and look hot in either skater gear, or a bikini top and towel around your waist if you’re at the river. You have a favorite hat, favorite pajamas, and a good luck charm. You rarely wear underwear, but when you do, it’s something exotic... and rammed so far up between your ass cheeks that I’ll need a pick ax and a miner’s helmet to get it out.
You must live either near Kansas City or in a treehouse. Somewhere with a lot of trees, preferably, so we could take nature walks and lie in the grass as the leaves fall upon us in the fall when the air turns crisp. One of us would have to purchase a GPS system in case we get lost out there... or at least bring enough munchies to tie us over ’til morning. Although I aced my celestial nav class at the Coast Guard Academy, that was over 20 years ago and I’ve slept since then.
You must either a) own a car that you can’t drive b) drive a car you don’t own c) have the ability to drive my car, but not the urge to do so. Bonus points if you know how to check your oil and tire pressure. I am happy to provide and fulfill the various material needs of this relationship, however, I do like to be treated with a modicum of respect and would like to be talked about in an approving manner when I come up in discussions with your family, friends, or when you get caught in the "hair-stylist’s trap". You need to be comfortable on the back of a bike... I have a Harley... and you should look better on it than I do. No, not everyone is looking at you... just most people.
You must love to eat... not necessarily in excess, but I love to eat and I’d rather eat with you as opposed to eating in front of you. We can eat stoner-approved goodies like an array of munchy crunchy finger foods OR a gourmet dinner that won’t be lost on your extra-heightened tastebuds. I’m even a good cook... I have to be... I’ve yet to be in a relationship with anyone who could cook. One thing I won’t do is follow the vegan path... too many raw veggies will gas me up like an OPEC yard sale and with the combination of gaseous emissions and scented candles, I’m liable to arc with an intensity that will have the Inuits of Alaska telling stories to their grandkids about the "southern lights" of 2010.
You must love to lie in bed and watch movies after taking a shower so that you leave the pillow smelling like your hair. This is important as I can spend nights that you aren’t with me smelling the pillow and remembering the last time you were here. I will not be using your hair care products, so this seemingly tiny detail is critical.
Since I am a poor business man and will be supporting us and financing most of our outings, it is critical that you be thoughtful, entertaining, and thrifty, or at least have some talent(s) to amuse us. I will buy you that new sundress if you design something out of hemp rope and barbwire (to showcase the symbiosis of Nature and Man) for me to hang as a mobile above our bed.
You must be comfortable with your body and capable of lots of stimulating sexcupations because there’s nothing hotter than being able to do yoga in bed, balancing Funyuns on our nipples, engaging in textural pudding wrestling, blowing smokeballs in each other’s mouths, and bragging to friends about the time when I should’ve pulled a tantric muscle but didn’t, because Maaan, that shit’s sooo ___fill in the blank__.
Most of our time together, after my long boring day in corporate America, will be spent a) smoking b) gettin’ busy c) eating d) watching movies e) nature hikes f) gettin’ busy again and g) planning to topple the current administration... regardless of which jackass party is in power at the moment.
Okay, that’s about it. I like all types and races of women. Your smile and eyes are most important. Of course, be in relatively good shape (it’ll come in handy for the yoga payoff) and shorter than me (I’m 5’11’)... although I guess that point could be overlooked if you’re just dying for the position.
If you or someone you know fits all or most of the criteria above, and is generally a nice girl with little baggage (that she can remember), pass her my way. I promise I won’t break her heart and toss her aside... hell, I have shirts that are older than my daughter.
Obviously, a sarcastic sense of humor and a quick wit is of the utmost importance... you must not pass a drug screen to qualify for this position.
Peace
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